The Healer

When I stopped asking why, Why being the question at the center of the universe until I understood that it wasn’t the why I should be waiting for to open it’s jaws and answer. That why would swallow me whole , That I would burst into flames if I looked directly into it. It would eclipse me and never stop telling me all the reasons why.

When I started to see that the why didn’t matter All those years I spent, a little girl fisting God, Why do you hate me God? Why do bad things always happen to me? Why did you take my father away?

I was throwing punches into the air, into my pillows, into my dolls, Waiting for word. I waited for so long with open ears- That I went deaf.

And then I asked Why me? Why can’t I hear?

The hissing in my head A torture made worse with silence.

I started talking to drown the ringing, I started singing to kill the ocean in my ears. Why was still the land of my birth. The place I hung my hat, Where I called home.

Until I stopped asking why From my grip it fell, My fist opened and the why Slipped into the sky Like it belonged there And I watched it hover Then float. And I accepted what I was.

Jen Pastiloff 2-28-09